How to Communicate Effectively with an Older Adult
Communication is one of the foundational pillars for a healthy relationship. As people around you age, the need for effective communication can become even more essential than it already was. Communicating with the elderly requires strategies and unique skills that can help build trust and confidence in the elderly to openly receive support, comfort, and care.
Many a time, we think that an elderly is resistant to care. We look at a situation and believe that our loved one has shut us out and is just not ready to listen with an open mind. Effective communication with senior citizens can be an obstacle for many caregivers and families, and it is an obstacle that can be overcome with the right resources and approach.
Talking to an elderly person requires you to equip yourself with strategies that are built on the grounds of compassion and empathy instead of guilt, shaming, and gaslighting. Ineffective communication strategies often end situations in conflict and discomfort. It often leads to the elderly becoming defensive and might also lead to further emotional damage.
If your language includes things like “you should” “you never” and “you better”, chances are, you are communicating ineffectively and making your loved one even more resistant to care. Communication that belittles the elderly often builds feelings of resentment. These feelings can manifest as anger, depression, and physical health problems.
Here are some ways to effectively communicate with a senior citizen:
- Replace “but” with “and”- When communicating with an older adult, we often tend to use contradictory statements with a but between them, which causes negation of their needs and often puts our opinion on a pedestal.
For example, if you are talking to an elderly and want to address a hygiene issue, instead of saying “you take a bath every day but don’t do the dishes”, say “you take a bath every day and have not been doing the dishes lately, is there something you need help with?”. Going into a conversation with your defences down and with an extended hand of help can change your loved one’s perception of help and build their confidence as well.
- Don’t invalidate positive feelings and progress- Many a time, we end up shaming the behaviour we want to encourage. For example, you have been trying to get your elderly parent to socialise more and you see them talking to someone on the phone; instead of a sarcastic remark that triggers negative emotions such as “oh wow look the lonely one is talking”, be supportive of their growth and progress with statements of affirmation.
Statements like “It’s not even that bad” and “you’re overreacting” are often signs of gaslighting that can make your loved one question their feelings and reality. What starts as a sarcastic remark can unfold into serious trust issues and feelings of unworthiness where your loved one may feel their emotions are invalid.
- Stop using universal statements of belittlement- One of the easiest things that roll off our tongues are statements of belittlement that are universal. Saying things like “you never understand”, “you always create a problem”, “you are so lazy!”, and “you conveniently forget every time”, can become a cause of resentment in the elderly.
Not only will your loved one dislike talking to you, but they would also lose their sense of self-worth. These statements often pinpoint what is wrong instead of having a solution-oriented approach. These generalisations and negative judgemental comments can strain relationships and build a higher wall, which in turn, leads to resistance and poor communication with the elderly.
- Ask questions and probe instead of ordering and assuming- We often go into communication with our guns blazing ready to attack anything that comes our way. We already have assumptions and a to-do list of orders ready to play defence and have our way no matter what. Simply put, we enter conversations in argument mode, and not in a communication mode.
To communicate effectively with a senior citizen that has a closed mind, we should strategise communication to become more open and two-way instead of one-way where you give them the “talk” and they listen. Effective communication with an elderly needs a smarter approach where instead of ordering and assuming, you ask questions and find their side of the story. Many a time, there are issues that come up that we could not have even thought about. Senior citizens are reserved and often keep a lof of their inhibitions and discomfort to themselves. Asking questions and understanding their perspective and feelings can help families to come up with more holistic action plans for their loved one’s care.
- Replace “you” with “I” and “we”- Many people enter conversations and situation in argument mode where they practically badger senior citizens by pointing out everything that is wrong with them. They lack communication skills and do not realise that this approach does more harm than good. If you find yourself making statements like “you need to exercise more”, “you need to make friends” and “you need to take care of yourself”, you’re probably badgering your loved one and cornering them into a wall where they see nothing but how imperfect and unworthy they are.
Entering situations with an open mind and changing “you” statements into “I” and “we” can help build trust and open communication with an elderly. For example, statements like “we should exercise together”, or “I’ll help you sign up for a social club for senior citizens”, or “we should practice self-care” can make trivial (and often, exhausting for the elderly) tasks more fun and engaging, all while helping you deepen your relationship with them.
- Offer companionship outside of arguments and problems to build rapport- Communication is not simply talking when you have problems to address. Communication means staying connected and ensuring there is a positive two-way conversation happening on a regular basis. Ensure that you don’t just have a sit-down with your elderly when discussing things they don’t do, but also sit down with them for tea, talk about life, and discuss all the good things. You could possibly catch up on a television show, take them out for coffee, or even do house chores with them.
Find your love language with your elderly and build a rapport with them. Understand them outside of their problems and flaws. Elderly often like talking about their past and enjoy mentoring people. Make sure you have a common understanding with them and give them time outside of arguments.
- Have good body language and be open- If you aggressively barge in and start yelling, your loved one will probably be startled or in fear of you. Keep a welcoming and loving body language. Ensure that you do not show physical aggression and yell. Keep your voice and tone as neutral and/or loving as possible. Listen more than you speak, and stay relaxed.
- Exercise compassion and patience- One of the most common advice for communicating with the elderly is to show compassion and have patience. It holds true for every relationship, but the elderly require much more patience and compassion. Since their mind has slowed down and they take time to process information, patience is imperative in communicating with senior citizens.
Older adults also need more compassion because they have gone through their lives and are weaker now. Compassion puts them in a respectful yet gentle place in your heart and allows them to be truly vulnerable.
- Show respect and empathy- Eventually, communicating with senior citizens comes down to mutual respect. But to receive that respect, you need to overcome the resistance that you might face from your senior citizens. One of the simplest ways to overcome resistance is to start showing respect and operating out of empathy.
Many years of living have reduced their physical and mental capabilities but this does not mean they do not need or have a right to basic respect. Talking politely, listening, and keeping an open mind are some of the easiest ways to show respect. Understand where they are coming from and why they have a certain mindset and perspective.
Keep communication clear and remember, it could be you in their place listening to what you are saying. Operate out of a what-if-it-were-me mentality.
- Give options and time to think- Holding a gun to someone’s head and asking them to make a decision can never go well. Even expert negotiators know that bullying someone into making an instant decision while limiting their options can cause more damage than it does good. Talk to your loved one and find common ground. Propose various courses of action that give them the freedom to choose. Once you give them options, give them space and time to think. Senior citizens may take more time than young people when it comes to making decisions. Let them think calmly, sleep over it, and select what they think is best.
A few other things that might help in better communication with the elderly include not withholding information or necessities such as medication, food, and money. Ensure you are not inflicting mental trauma on your loved ones in any way.