Fear of abandonment is a type of anxiety that some people experience when faced with the idea of losing someone they care about. They cannot easily overcome the losses and live in fear. Alienation occurs when a person withdraws or becomes isolated from their environment or from other people. People who show symptoms of alienation will often reject loved ones or society. They may consciously remain aloof from a lot of things including their own emotions. People with a fear of abandonment and alienation may exhibit behaviours that push people to leave so they are never surprised by the loss. Such behaviours over time become a self-fulfilling prophecy and feed on itself which makes it difficult for the elderly to open up even to their caregivers.
Symptoms of alienation:
Feeling distant from work, family, friends and caregivers is a common symptom of alienation. Other symptoms include:
- Feeling of helplessness
- Feeling that the world is empty or meaningless
- Feeling left out of conversations or events
- Feeling different or separating oneself from everyone else
- Having difficulty approaching and speaking with others
- Feeling unsafe when interacting with others
- Refusing to obey rules
Symptoms of fear of abandonment:
People with abandonment fears exhibit a pattern of behaviours. These symptoms include:
- Cycling through relationships. Engaging in numerous shallow relationships. They may fear intimacy and find a reason to leave a relationship before the other person can.
- Sabotaging relationships. Acting irrationally to get out of relationships such as effortfully pushing away a partner so you won’t feel hurt if they leave.
- Clinging to unhealthy relationships. For some people with abandonment issues, fear of being alone overpowers leading them to stay in relationships despite a desire to leave.
- Needing constant reassurance. Some may constantly seek out a friend or partner and demand emotional guarantees. They may regularly urge friends or partners to make broad statements, such as “I’ll always be here,” and then say they’re lying.
Health-related causes of alienation:
Apart from social causes and other life events, alienation can also be the result of a mental or physical condition. A lot of it begins in adolescence and may linger on to old age because of ignored or unsuccessful treatment. Possible health-related causes of alienation include:
- Mental health disorders, such as Anxiety, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, and Schizophrenia
- Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
- Self-stigma as a result of mental illness
- Conditions causing chronic pain
The core of abandonment issues
Healthy human development requires nourished physical and emotional needs. During childhood, this reassurance comes from parents. During adulthood, it can come from personal and romantic relationships while during old age it stems out of the caregivers. Other inevitable life events such as death of a loved one, physical or mental abuse, poverty, loss of a relationship, or retirement might further intensify issues of abandonment. Personal factors such as unhealthy intimate relationships leading to the point of divorce can create a slippery path for people already genetically vulnerable for mental health problems such as depression and bipolar disorders, creating maximum damage for women in comparison to other genders. On the other hand, the later stage of life demands the establishment of a new identity and role in society, which makes it all the more challenging.
Loneliness is itself a highly subjective experience, to which individuals attach meanings and interpretations that are driven by their expectations, values, and beliefs. These are both personal and shaped by the cultural ideologies that individuals have developed. A person’s early attachment history i.e., making an assessment of their attachment styles in childhood, acts as an internal working model for how he or she expects relationships to work. People may carry their childhood insecurities and expectations for how others will behave in their adult relationships. Therefore, resolving these emotions is key to feeling stronger in themselves and experiencing healthier relationships.
Overcoming fear of abandonment and changing attachment patterns
There are effective ways for people to develop more security within themselves and overcome their fear of abandonment. We can develop earned secure attachment as adults in several ways.
- Initiating a relationship with someone who has a long history of being securely attached, makes a person with abandonment issues learn that he or she doesn’t have to desperately cling to a person to get his or her needs met.
- Psychologists have long identified positive interpersonal relations as an essential component of well being. The importance of sociality continues into older age where leading a socially active life and having accessible family ties, confidants, and close, harmonious personal ties have positive effects on older adults’ well being.
- Another way for individuals to develop more security within themselves is through therapy. Experiencing a secure relationship with a therapist can help a person form earned secure attachment.
- A general insight on localizing the source of fear and identifying with the past leads to taking more rational and appropriate actions. They can enhance and strengthen their relationships rather than reacting with fear and insecurity and gradually open doors for triumph over the fear.
- Another general practice to adopt is that of self-compassion. Enhancing self-compassion is actually favourable to building self-esteem. This refers to the idea that people should be kind, as opposed to judgmental, toward themselves. We can be a better friend to ourselves, even if we feel hurt or abandoned by someone else.
- Adopting a common humanity approach: The more each of us can accept that we are humans and we all have a different set of struggles in our lives, the more self-compassion and strength we can cultivate. If individuals can consistently remember that they are not alone and are worthy, they can help themselves avoid those feelings of loneliness and abandonment.
Helping someone with a fear of abandonment
While people with abandonment fears differ, these techniques may help you care for someone who has a fear of abandonment:
- Pause the conversation: Highly emotional conversations will inevitably become unproductive. When this happens, pause the conversation. Let them know you care but step away for a few hours. People with abandonment issues may struggle particularly if their conversation partner leaves without any prior notice. Let them know where you are going, for how long you will be away, and when you will return.
- Support and validate their fears: Validation is an important part of trust in a relationship. When supporting a loved one with a fear of abandonment, validation means acknowledging their feelings without judgment which is the key to maintaining communication. You are supporting their feelings to further build on trust and compassion, not necessarily to everything they believe. Use of phrases such as “It’s OK, just let it go”, “That didn’t really happen to you”, “Why are you making such a big deal out of nothing?” could easily feed on their fears and they might feel a need to shut down and avoid completely.
- Don’t take the emotional bait: When they tell you nothing is wrong, or they don’t want to talk about it, take them at their word. Do not probe too much.
- Tell them how these behaviours make you feel: There’s no harm in honesty. When you’re upset, clearly express what you mean and how their actions are making you feel. Honesty may be disarming enough to make progress.
Abandonment fears and alienation issues can impair your loved one’s ability to trust others. It might make it harder for a person to feel worthy or pursue intimate relationships. If such feelings of helplessness prevail for a longer period of time, it might aggravate to develop feelings of hopelessness. Understanding the core of it can make you a more empathetic person and deal effectively with the one suffering. You got it!